Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
