Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My liver just had a heart attack.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
