Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I want to fling myself into the sun
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
