sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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