This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
