if i can run in heels then i can drive
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
