I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
