I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
