he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
