Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
