you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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