I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
