You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
