i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
