i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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