I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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