I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
