normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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