So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
why do cheetos always look like penises
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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