My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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