My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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