actually, I'm a sock model
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
