if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
