did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
a search helicopter?!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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