today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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