My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just invented taco cereal.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
