Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
