Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
