I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
