How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
