Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize