he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
