my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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