Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
