Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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