the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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