hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
