They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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