everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
