Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
