That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i've created a new STD.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
