Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
