Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
