Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
