I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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