Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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