mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
