you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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