Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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