Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
