I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
