why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
