On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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