I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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