he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
