All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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