i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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