It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
