I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
