He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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