Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
