my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
